a little, two-year reflection

It's been two years (and a few days) since our wedding day, and, quite honestly, it feels much longer than that. Maybe it was the two preganacies in a row, the natural disaster (Sandy), intense ministry-related situations, close relationship fall outs...all this and more PLUS learning how to live life together. Not just functioniong together, but continually, romantically persuing and serving each other. It's been beautiful, exhausting, difficult and thrilling all at once. 

We've seen the worst and the best in each other over these past few years. We've said some of the meanest words, and some of the most up-lifting, heart-warming words to each other.  Any married couple will tell you the same thing. The goal is not to avoid conflict or to ignore it, but to find specific strategies that help to resolve the daily conflicts that will inevitably arise. And by our God's overwhelming supply of mercy and grace, we are finding those strategies while falling more and more in love as time passes.

Christopher has to put up with a lot when it comes to living life with me. I steal the blankets at night, I move all of his important papers that pile up on his bureau, I leave gum wrappers in cups, I make us late in the mornings (pregnant or not), I have a habit of knocking into his legs under the table while we're eating, I steal food off of his plate (I'm Italian, he's English), I don't always look at washing instructions for his J. Crew clothes.... etc.

 I could go ahead and list his flaws, but I'll refrain. ;)

It's funny how much we've both fought and laughed over our silly, little habits. We're crazy about each other, but we can easily drive each other crazy. That's usually how it goes, right? 

Laughter helps. It's so important in a marriage (in all of life, really). Espeically laughing at yourself. It's amazing how sour a conversation turns when I get into defensive mode... when my I take myself so seriously, and my importance level (in my head) flies through the roof. It's ugly. Pride and self-importance are ugly, and it's the best recipe for an ugly situation. 

Simply put, when his desires become more important than my own (and vice versa), we can't lose. 

letter to Jameson

Jameson Clive, 

You've had life for about 26 weeks now... kicking quite vigorously, but not causing me too much discomfort. You made me dreadfully sick for about 12 weeks (much like your sister), but I am grateful that it only lasted that long. These days, I need at least 9-10 hours of sleep each night in order to function. I have a hard time breathing through my nose at night, but there are worse things. You've been enjoying a lot of green smoothies, almond-flour oatmeal cookies and chicken salad recently. I hope you enjoy food as much as Elleanora does... I often wonder what you will have in common, and how you will be different from one another. Will you be just as or more strong-willed and determined? Or will you be a little more relaxed? Maybe you will look more Italian than Irish or vice versa.. I just can't wait to meet you. 

We don't have to do too much to prepare for your arrival, considering the fact that your sister is only 16 months older than you. People have been so kind with lending us some clothes and gadgets for you. You're already so loved.
The first picture (above) is the first thing I ever purchased for you, and the sweater was originally Elleanora's from your Auntie Ashley and Uncle DT. They were smart in giving her something that you could wear too (even though no one knew you were alive yet when we opened it!)

In other news, your daddy is going to pick up a Volkswagen minivan this Saturday for all of us (!!!); I didn't think our family would grow to four this soon, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't wait for you to meet your big sister; she might try to beat you up for awhile, but I have a feeling you'll be the best of friends. My heart and hands will be very full with both of you. I love you, sweet boy, and I pray for you often.

Kisses,
Your Mama

favorites.

Elleanora,

I never thought a baby could make me laugh so much. Whether it's the way you blow kisses to every mirror and stranger you see or the way you grunt when you bend down to pick up a ball that is double your size. You are an entertainer.

You have plenty of favorites. Wallets are way up there on the list... any kind of ball, red plastic cups, taking clothes out of drawers, Nonna's sauce with meatballs and ravioli, big pillows, 

and screaming "Papa" whenever you feel like it. You're also loving green smoothies these days, which makes my heart so happy. Favorite shoes? None yet.. because you don't really wear them. Your feet are just a little too chubby.. see that sore on your foot up there? Yep, too tight. We'll figure it out.

My favorite thing about you? I think it's when you climb up on your little chair, cross your legs and make your hilariously, heart-warming sounds while turning the pages of a book. You. Love. It. And you just really love life in general.

Kisses,

Mama

12 months.

Ok, it's true. I blinked, and an entire year has passed. 

Let's do a quick milestone overview, shall we?

At 2 1/2 months, she cracked a smile, and we heard the sweetest giggle for the first time.

At 3 1/2 months, she was rolling over and doing cartwheels around the room. Also, she was holding her bottle (when I supplemented) and started sleeping 11 hours through the night (!!!). 

At four months, the swap from the bassinet to the crib happened. 

At 5 1/2 months, she started the army crawl

At 6 months, she started eating solids/sitting in her highchair (get the OXO highchair, people)

At 7-8 months, the crawling stage began

At 9 months, waving and blowing kisses

At 10 months, "da-da" was uttered 

At 11 months (late)... walking! saying "ma-ma", "hott", "bye-bye", "baby", "up", "papa", "nonna", "ball", "thank you" (sorry, this is merely for me to remember) 

At 12 months, she held her first almond butter and jelly sandwich and ate it like a big kid; I thought it was a pretty big deal. 

to listen

"The word obedient comes from the Latin word audire, which means 'listening'... Jesus' life was a life of obedience. He was always listening to the Father, always attentive to his voice, always alert for his directions. Jesus was 'all ear.' That is true prayer: being all ear for God." - Henri J.M. Nouwen 

Sometimes my daughter demands my full attention. Being her mother for almost a year now, I know the difference between her hungry/sleepy/teething/dirty diaper cries and her "whiney for no reason, cater to me and ONLY me" cry. Learning to ignore the tantrums or to take action and discipline takes practice. The easy thing to do is to just give in to my child's tantrums, allowing her actions to control me. 

This aspect of parenting reminds me of the loud, anxious thoughts that can take over my being. I have a choice: I either sit back and let the anxious thoughts control me or I discipline my mind and heart to listen to the Holy Spirit's guidance. Learning the discipline of solitude is key in this. Anyone who's human knows how hard it is to cut out time in the day to be quiet. There are too many distractions to count, but I can make excuses for the rest of my life, and that will get me nowhere. It's a constant battle, but like any discipline, it gets easier as time goes on. So, a year from now I will look back on this post and have this completely down. An hour of solitude every day.

Haha, Right.  

My goal right now is 15 minutes of complete solitude each day. 

It's doable, but we'll see...

less house, more home

1. Christopher and Elleanora watching people do impersonations of different celebrities

2. Chicken salad (with lots of carrots, onion and spices) over spinach: main pregnancy craving aka Jameson's main choice of food

3. The window sill in our bedroom // Also, that quote from St. Augustine just gets me.

4. A Spurgeon quote written with my dip pen

5. Another brushlettering doodle :) 

6. A watercolor piece that I picked up at an estate sale a while back; it's my favorite. 

7. Miss E being daddy's girl

8. Miss E giving me some type of instruction 

I don't think I've ever been more content in my life than I am these days. No, I don't have my dream house or my educational goals finished. I haven't gone to South America, Asia or Africa yet, and I most certainly have not mastered any certain skill. I could go on and on about what I don't have yet, and the things I will never have in this lifetime. 

"Less house, more home." It's a saying that has been ringing in my ear for a few months now. 

Less house.... or caring too much about the things in your house.

Things always get it the way, right? No matter how hard we try to place them in the back of our minds, we'll be fighting the battle against greed and comparison the rest of our lives. It's such an exhausting thought, but it's the reality we face. 

We have a small space that we live in. It's lovely and small, and I'm learning to be truly OK with that (especially when I know we have another life joining us soon). A smaller space means less things... it's kind of freeing, really. Less to clean! I do, however, have a tendency to keep wanting to change the things I have. I get tired of pillows, the setup of a room etc... That's when "house" gets in the way of "home" for me. Being too concerned about messes plays into that as well. I'm learning to be ok with messes (even encouraging it sometimes) because I want to remember my children and me enjoying each other. I never want to view my children as hindrances. 

So many times in my life, I have looked forward to the next, big thing. The next adventure, the next move, the next new thing. Looking back, I wasn't truly experiencing the adventure at hand, and I missed out. Motherhood is teaching me that all these little moments I am experiencing with my family are really the biggest things. Living with this perspective is changing everything for me. 

a letter series for my littles//

I'm starting a letter series for my children. I know it's not original, but I always believed this was a powerful idea. My dad wrote me plenty of letters as I grew up, and even though I disregarded his words initially, God used them in a huge way to change my heart. 

These letters will mostly be filled with snippets of stories, truth and wisdom that I have learned...(ALWAYS learning). I am such a broken person, but Christ is making me more whole each day. I know he uses my brokenness everyday to bring his name glory. And I know he will use it to shape the lives of my babies. 

 My Elleanora,

I'm already getting teary eyed before thinking of any words. Maybe it's because I thought I could never have you. Having plenty of health issues, science told me that I couldn't have grow a baby in my tummy. But, the good Lord wanted you on this earth for his delight, and I will be forever honored and blessed to be your mother. I become speechless from time to time when I think about it in its fullness. You bring me endless joy. Having you has given me a tiny glimpse of how God sees His children...and how He must feel when I break His heart.

At 11 months old, you haven't really had the chance to break my heart (maybe when you refuse to cuddle with me), but I know there will come a day when some decisions you make will hurt me deeply.  Ugly moments will happen and prodigal moments will come. Maybe you will have small ones like your daddy or big ones like your mama, but unlike us humans, our God doesn't measure how small or big our wrong deeds are. He has given us all we could ever need, and he's promised us an unconditional love...true love... if we accept it. But sometimes, it just doesn't seem like it's enough.

That's exactly what the world will tell you.

The world will tell you many things you must do in order to be loved and satisfied. What you must achieve, what you need to look like and who you have to listen to. "Your worth," says the world, "is measured by these things." Don't let the lies creep inside your thoughts, my sweet one. Hold onto truth for dear life. Stand strong, and remember... the world's love is always conditional. There is always a heavy price, and the end result is never, ever the result you thought you would get.

You see, every time we search for unconditional love where it cannot be found, we break the heart of the One who's opinion matters most. Every time we use the gifts that he gave us to please the world rather than using them to praise his name, we are doing the exact opposite of what we were put on this earth to do. I don't like to think about it much, but there might be a time when this is what you choose. Just know that your daddy and I are here to help you, guide you and love you in both your brightest and darkest hours. As long as we can.

The truth-filled life is not easy, but I can tell you from the bottom of my heart that it is truly...living. My biggest hope is that you will grasp this sooner than I did.

Love, your mama

"I am loved so much that I am left free to leave home... I have left it and keep on leaving it. but the Father is always looking for me with outstretched arms to receive me back and whisper again in my ear: "Your are my Beloved, on you my favor rests."

-Henry Nowhen (The Return of the Prodigal)